Getting ancy

One week until my eye surgery... I can't help but be a little bit ancy about the whole thing. I can't even imagine what it would feel like to see worse than I do now. Immediately after my decision to get the surgery done (early this month), I had about zero fear. The surgery was a no-brainer.. I mean of course I should get my vision back to my pre-25 year old state! But with each day (and each discussion), the more I appreciate the vision that I have...

Why Afraid?

Whenever I have a bad feeling or anxiety about something, I have to analyze why. For me, the determination of the why puts me at peace. As I am writing this, the analysis is happening (thank god for the erase key).. Here are the thoughts/questions that lead to my fears:

1. I see pretty well already (20/40). Why chance it?
2. My life is and has always been great. What would happen to my life if I couldn't see? Why jeopardize it?
3. Am I due for some tragedy?
4. Is the reward of 20/15 really worth the risk?
5. This is elective surgery.. wtf am I doing electing to have any surgery?

Pseudopsychoanalysis

The interesting thing is that all of these fears are really the same thing.. a fear of loss. I am a person who probably doesn't feel fortunate enough about the life he has. Now that I am confronted with the possibility of losing that which I take for granted, my mind is doing its own cost/benefit analysis. The longer it has to do this analysis, the more it will decide against any elective procedure/surgery.

I am also getting to a point where I accept the limitations of age. I don't expect my body to perform the same way it did when I was 20.. The issue is to what degree am I willing to succumb to age with regard to degredation of sight, hearing, coordination, physical/mental speed and quickness, strength, etc..

Screw the mind.. rationalizations

Q: I see pretty well already (20/40). Why chance it?
A: I barely can pass a vision test at the DMV! I can either choose contact lenses, glasses, or PRK. PRK is the most risky and the most convienient.

Q: My life is and has always been great. What would happen to my life if I couldn't see? Why jeopardize it?
A: If I couldn't see, I would plunge into depression, be a complete nightmare to deal with, and probably lose everything. However, I jeopardize my life everyday with almost everything I do (think crossing the street, eating fried chicken, etc). Looking out for Cole (20 months) has made me realize this... the boy has zero fear and no experience; he is a walking, talking anxiety attack for fear driven people.

Q: Am I due for some tragedy?
A: I think everything is like flipping a coin.. I don't really believe in destiny; even I am not that lazy!

Q: Is the reward of 20/15 really worth the risk?
A: Yes! I have had the pleasure of seeing with this precision and can tell you that it is awesome.

Q: : This is elective surgery.. wtf am I doing electing to have any surgery?
A: Good question.. I am tired of squinting or having to really concentrate to read street signs at night. I could probably achieve this without surgery but this doesn't really qualify as surgery for me. A 10 minute non-invasive, locally anesthestized, painless operation is more of a procedure than a surgery.